Perfect Chaos

A year or so ago, the Lord led me to distance myself from all my friends and family. It was the strangest thing; they were all attacking me on the phone. In retrospect, it seems as though this was a process that the Lord was leading me through to live with Him alone as my source of support, and the Lord did actually say repeatedly that I should focus my attention on Him alone.

This coincided with a period in my life when I began to become well known, and I think the hostility from friends and family was related to this. It was probably an intense experience for them speaking to me following my suicide attempt and the events that followed which may have influenced their hostility.

Not only have I been living without contact with friends and family for around a year, I also have no television or radio. I gave away my TV after I experienced hostility directed at me during an interview with the Prime Minister (the hostility was not from him but from a woman standing in the background). I sensed this was a sign of things to come and felt that putting my relationship with the media on hold would be wise.

I live alone, but there are two other people who live in the building in close proximity. They are both so mentally unwell that I can barely have a conversation with them.

All of the above factors have led to me depending on God like never before. He has been acting as my friend, counsellor, and most importantly, Father. And I have never loved Him so much.

For the last two weeks, I have had no money. Over the last six months I have repeatedly run out of money half way through every month as I have been receiving less than half of the money I used to receive from the government to help with disability-related issues and living costs. This wouldn’t normally be such a big deal, but I experience a great deal more intensity of mood than I used to and need things like cigarettes and alcohol to help me stay happy during periods of stress. Because I haven’t been able to afford cigarettes or alcohol some weeks, I have been begging on the street and looking for discarded cigarette ends and alcohol vessels. It has been quite an experience, and has recently been eliciting hostility from some members of the public.

While my comments in the above paragraphs may seem like complaints, they are not at all. I have enjoyed some of the best times of my life recently. It’s wonderful how situations that we fear can turn out to be blessings in disguise. Earlier today, I was reflecting upon how at a certain point in time, getting a new jumper (for example) might make you feel incredibly happy, and at a different time, finding a half-smoked cigarette on the ground might make you equally happy. Whatever circumstances we are in, there are highs and lows, because there are always challenges but God is ceaselessly merciful.

I think a lot of the hostility I experience on the streets is due to people having ideas about me rather than knowing me as a person. I always try to be kind and friendly to everyone in conversation, but these days, I tend to just keep myself to myself when I’m out because it’s a much more intense experience than it used to be starting a conversation, for instance.

I’ve had a lot of mood swings recently, but have chosen not to pursue the path of taking a mood stabiliser because they all have horrible side effects. I prefer to use alcohol, caffeine and nicotine as mood stabilizers. I tend to avoid psychiatry to the greatest extent possible, as despite my psychiatrist being a lovely person I think the medicines that are prescribed are generally unhealthy and damaging to the body.

It’s a real blessing to still be in my flat, and I’ve loved the fact that even without money God has provided delicious food. I have also really appreciated hot showers and lying in a comfortable bed.

I don’t want to predict what’s going to happen in my life in the coming weeks but I’m thankful to have released my EP this week and still have my author website as a potential source of income, whatever the future holds.

And I have ‘endless’ music! Thank God for bangers! 😀