Perfect Chaos

Good day, everyone.

I’ve been reflecting a little on the highs and lows of life.

I don’t fully understand why I experience extremes of mood. I have considered that it may be because I dabbled in some mind-altering substances when I was younger. I have considered it could be because my mother was very loving (highs) and my father rather hostile (lows) during my upbringing. I have considered it might be because I have mixed heritage (English on my father’s side and Dutch on my mother’s side). But I don’t know for certain whether any of these explanations is correct in God’s eyes.

I am very dissolutioned with the mental health system in the UK, which I feel has deteriorated significantly in recent years in terms of the prevalence of truly loving and helpful care. I believe the main cause is the implementation of technocratic power structures within society, which mean every aspect of the healthcare system is dependent upon and saturated with technology. Technology draws people away from quality social interactions and in my view would not be a part of an ideal, healthy society. Just think about the Garden of Eden before the Fall. I don’t think paradise and technology are compatible. Technology is governed by Satan and paradise is governed by God.

That said, mental health care is in principle a loving concept. It wouldn’t be necessary if society was functioning in a healthy way, but the idea that we need to help people who experience distressing states of mind is compassionate and commendable. I appreciate that there are people who work in mental health care who are motivated by a genuine interest in helping others and reducing suffering, yet the system is now configured in such a way that this is incredibly difficult. It’s not only the evil that is technology that is the problem – it’s also the evil that is Science.

A truly compassionate society would always be grounded in the things of God – the sacred Scriptures especially, and it’s no coincidence that very many scientists are atheist or agnostic. When people don’t know God, they tend to function from their egos (often harbouring a great deal of anger and hatred) and this causes them to operate in ways that are contrary to compassion and the natural order that God had intended we live in.

Returning to the subject of highs and lows, these seem to be part of life for everyone. It would be easy to think that all highs come from God and all lows come from Satan, but I don’t think the picture is quite that simple. I think that experiencing a range of emotional states is part of the way God has created human beings (and other creatures), though it’s possible some people experience more extreme states than others.

A couple of days ago I experienced the most profound low. I spent most of the day in bed and my mind was full of incredibly negative thoughts. I felt so desperate for help – a Diazepam tablet, a can of beer, a puff of a vape, a hug, or anything that I supposed would lift my spirits. However, I have had no money for quite a few days and no one has been responding to my pleas for financial aid. So I just lay in bed feeling utterly distraught for hours. It was a deeply troubling experience.

The Lord is ever gracious and merciful, and though I feared for my life due to the extreme ‘low’, in the early hours of this morning I left my flat and went out for a walk on the hunt for discarded cigarette ends and alcohol. Praise God for His provision (God always provides) because I found enough tobacco for about fifteen cigarettes and about a pint of lager. Immediately I felt a huge sense of relief – just knowing that if my mood plummeted again I had something to ease to emotional pain.

After I returned to the flat, my mood became very high. I smoked a cigarette and drank a little beer and the relief from the dark mood of two days ago caused me to feel elated. I was also mindful that I would be doing some cooking – a new recipe I haven’t tried before – and that made me feel very happy. I enjoyed cooking my chickpea curry very much and sat down feeling so thankful that I have enough food for five days and cigarettes to get me through today.

Of course, ideally, I wouldn’t be smoking or drinking. I don’t think Adam and Eve had cigarettes, alcohol, or smartphones. But life has been intensely stressful in recent months and God is happy for me to smoke and drink as a way of coping. I’m grateful for the mercy.

I’m fairly sure many of you will be able to resonate with the feelings of agony and ecstasy I experienced over the last couple of days, to some extent at least. Depression is part of life, and so is elation.

The bipolar nature of emotional states is reflected in God’s overarching plan for human beings – that we will all meet Him face to face on the Day of Judgement and find out whether we are destined for paradise or hell. We cannot know what these places will feel like exactly, though God has put in our hearts that paradise will be blissful and hell will be agonising.

The thought of hell has caused me so much anguish, and while I do believe that God is able to function in a perfectly just way, there have been times when I’ve thought about Satan suffering night and day forever and ever and found the idea too horrendous to accept. But I know God is good and merciful and I hold on to a trust and a hope that no sentient being will every suffer horrendously.

Wishing you a happy – even blissful – Sunday.

With love,

Steven x