Perfect Chaos

It’s a cloudy day in London with occasional patches of blue sky and sunshine. I have been longing for sunshine recently as it makes such a difference to the mood of the day.

Weekends are harder than week days as those people who I am connected with working in supporting roles can’t be contacted over the weekend. In the absence of having any friends or family members who I can call for a chat, I find myself in an isolated depression.

I have just taken an overdose of a medication I have. It wasn’t a massive overdose, and I’m not trying to end my life, it’s just that this particular medication has the effect of creating a kind of buzz which provides some comfort from thoughts of helplessness and hopelessness. Unfortunately, this medication also has negative side effects but I suppose I will just have to cope with those.

I’m in a bleak financial situation as the financial support I receive from the government has been stopped due to a trivial issue related to having a new phone number. I tried to get this sorted out last week and was expecting a call about it by the end of the week but the call never came. I am now in a situation where I have missed a rent payment and have no money to pay bills. It’s something I’m planning to follow up on tomorrow but I think this is one of the main reasons why I feel so depressed.

I have met two people recently who are suffering from severe drug addictions. I think I understand how society can force people into situations where they are so desperate that they turn to drugs. One of the people I met said she is potentially facing prison as she has been shoplifting in order to fund her addiction. This is so sad and I have been praying for her every day.

I also met a man who was bragging to me about how many people he has beaten up, and he said he beat someone up so badly that they are essentially a vegetable. I have been feeling so disturbed about this person who is clearly in dire need of support to help him to turn away from violence and act with love and kindness.

I continue to face bullying behaviour from both of my neighbours in my accommodation, and because of both this and my precarious financial situation, homelessness is a very real prospect. This concerns me greatly as there is so much hostility towards me from members of the public – I can’t even walk down the road without being coughed at or mocked.

God has been encouraging me to hang on and not give up. He says I should do whatever I must to get through these times, but that I must keep going. So I am trying to heed this advice and keep trusting in His goodness, love, and mercy.

I hope you are at peace in these difficult times and I wish you a joyful week ahead. Thank you for taking the time to read this article.