Perfect Chaos

I was close to my mother. She passed away from cancer when I was in my early twenties. Her illness followed a period of great tension and conflict in her marriage to my father.

I have often wondered about the connection between abuse and cancer. I have wondered whether my mother became ill because of conflict with my father. It seems to me that there is a link between the emotional and the physical, and that prolonged emotional hurt can lead to physical disease.

It was these concerns that ignited my spiritual journey, a journey which involved immersive explorations of different religious schools of thought and spiritual practices, and eventually led me to read the Bible and become a follower of Jesus.

I am still, to this day, hyper-sensitive to abuse. I’m a sensitive person in general, but fear of the suffering my mother went through impacts my daily life and the way I instinctively react in some situations.

Following my suicide attempt last year, I received a large gift from a female friend. It was an item for my flat. It seemed kind of her, but also felt like an intrusion into my personal space. I became acutely worried that if I kept the item, it would compromise my personal freedom and therefore my health and stability, perhaps eventually leading to me becoming unwell. I was being sensitive to abuse, and to the suffering it can cause.

The friend who bought me the item for my flat has gone through a lot, and I have often tried to encourage her to attend talking therapy, without success. There is that saying: ‘hurt people, hurt people’ and I have been emotionally hurt by this person on many occasions, all because, in my understanding, she hasn’t healed from a broken marriage and divorce she went through. She has all kinds of physical ailments and takes pain killers on a daily basis. I feel she really needs psychological help but is not willing get it.

I struggled for days with the dilemma of what to do with the gift my friend gave me. It was a lovely item, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that accepting it and keeping it gave my friend a kind of power over me, which I feared was a kind of abuse that would be unhealthy for me. If she had been in a healthy state of mind, body, and spirit, it would have been different – I could have accepted the gift without concern. But it was one of many examples of behaviour from this person that could be perceived as kind, but could also be perceived as controlling. I knew that if I got rid of the item I would feel independent and therefore more peaceful, but at the same time it felt like, from a certain perspective, it was a generous gift.

I remember receiving the item from my friend in the post and a wave of anger coming over me. My feelings have been particularly intense following my traumatic experience of being in intensive care last year, but nevertheless there must have been a reason for why I had an emotional reaction to receiving the item. I remember the thought occurring that she had chosen the item according to her taste rather than mine, and that if she was truly being generous, she would have chosen something that felt right to me, or have transferred the money and let me choose something myself.

At the heart of this situation was the fear of losing control and being manipulated and abused, which could lead to the kind of suffering my mother went through.

Oh, how I needed God! I prostrated myself to Him and begged Him to help me to do the right thing. I wanted to act with love, I told Him, but I also needed His mercy and protection from abuse, sickness and disease.

After struggling in prayer with the complex thoughts and feelings related to the item my friend had given me, it was all becoming a mess in my mind, so I said a prayer to Jesus. I left the whole complex mess at the foot of the cross, remembering that Jesus suffered so I don’t have to. I also prayed for my friend, that she would have freedom and peace and come to know the love, mercy and forgiveness of God.

As Christians, we still have to deal with emotions and relationships, which can be very complicated! But we have a loving and merciful saviour who is on hand to help and be a rock of refuge through the storms of life.

If you’re suffering from a complex situation in your life, perhaps in your marriage or circle of friends or at work, remember that Jesus suffered to set you free and that God is just a prayer away.

Thanks be to God!