Perfect Chaos

I’m so lonely. A few months ago, after I became well-known in England, I was watching BBC News and a woman coughed at me aggressively through the TV in a way that was deeply hurtful. As I suspected this could become a regular thing, I made the decision to sell my TV and replace it with some lovely plants. While I don’t regret the decision, I do miss the experience of combating bitter loneliness with a bit of BBC News.

I find it so strange that when I email or message people, they never seem to reply. I think it’s because everyone is angry and depressed, probably because they spend their free time scrolling through Facebook and Instagram, which probably leaves them in a state of bitterness and hostility. I came off social media around the same time I sold my TV, and I don’t regret it, though it means I don’t combat loneliness in the same way as most people – I drink beer and listen to the sound of music or of rain, just to experience a little peace and happiness.

I often say to people: Turn off your phone and take out your SIM. Then you will experience true peace. It’s for real, but people rarely listen.

Life has its ebbs and flows; its ups and downs – and there’s good in each day for everyone, thanks be to God. But we appear to be living in a dark time in history and so depression is commonplace for many of us, as hard as that is. We have to keep trusting in the goodness of God and keep going, even when we feel severely depressed or even suicidal.

It’s a strange thing being well known and yet having close to zero interest from anyone in the work that I do, which is my books. I spend so much time agonising over creating work that I hope will benefit people, and yet still, close to no one takes any real interest in my work. Even when I chat to someone friendly on the street and they express what seems to be genuine interest in a free copy of one of my books, it seems that they go home and forget about me and my books. I find it so strange, because if I had a conversation with someone and they offered me a free copy of their creative work, I’m quite sure I would be excited and investigate it. I can’t figure it out. Maybe everyone feels hatred towards me, or maybe God is holding back from making people experience an interest in my work for some reason. God does whatever He will.

I suppose I’m an alcoholic these days. Continual oppression from the societal system and unprovoked attacks from individuals has led me to turn to alcohol as a source of peace. And I don’t feel bad about it, because God often orders me to drink. Why? Because He understands, I guess. He knows how broken the world is and wants me to experience a little peace and happiness because He is loving and kind.

All I need for my mental wellbeing is kindness. But kindness is in short supply in the world, largely because we are all victims of a cruel technocracy which sorely oppresses us into states of anger, hostility, anxiety, resentment, and worse. This will only change if God is willing, so I keep hoping and praying for that.

It’s so strange that thousands of people are subscribed to my blog and yet next to no one interacts with my posts these days. I know I’m partly responsible because I unsubscribed from a lot of blogs due to the desire to experience the peace of mind of an empty inbox. Maybe that’s selfish, or maybe I was just taking care of myself so I can be a better person.

I will continue to be honest, because I believe in honesty. I feel that if everyone in the world was honest, there would be no suffering. We are bullied into silence from expressing our true feelings by oppressive people and forces, but we must still keep trying to do so.

I’ll say it again: Switch off your phone, take out your SIM, and you will experience true peace.

I want you to be happy. I love you.