Good day. I had the idea of writing a personal post every Sunday about the events of the week gone by. I seem to make a lot of plans but rarely stick to them, so apologies in advance if this idea doesn’t manifest in the coming weeks. God is in control of all things and our plans only ever come to fruition if He is willing.
This last week has been characterised by the drinking of much alcohol. I have felt very much stuck in the flat where I live, and various stresses related to the mental health system, neighbours, loneliness, hostile behaviour from passers by, unkind voices, etc, have meant that drinking alcohol has been a blessed relief from all the stress and a much appreciated mercy.
I don’t feel I am sinning when I drink alcohol at the moment because it’s something that God tells me that He wants me to do. There will always be people who are sceptical about the idea that God may encourage someone to drink alcohol, but when I pray to God and He tells me to do or not to do something, I always try to trust and obey, even if it seems strange. Some may think I’m hearing from Satan, but I don’t think so.
I spent some time this week putting together a business plan. Having published a new book and set up an online bookshop to sell my books, I have been thinking a great deal about how to attract the right kinds of people to my website. I seem to stall quite often when it comes to promotion and marketing, because I don’t really like trying to sell things. I would much rather people discovered my books organically, but this doesn’t really happen on the Internet these days. I’m not on social media (except for LinkedIn), but I feel as though even if I were – and posted regularly – it would likely be wasted time and energy.
I had an unarranged visit from two mental health professionals this week. It infuriates me when they just show up at people’s properties without an appointment, but this is quite normal in the mental health system in London, despite how disrespectful it is. There is no excuse for them not contacting me to arrange an appointment, but sadly, these people seem to take pleasure in bullying people as it gives them a sense of power, disgusting as that is. I let them know that I feel they earn their salaries by oppressing people, and I’m grateful to God that He allowed me to voice that concern – it felt like a ‘truth bomb’ that really hit home.
The threat of a hospital admission is looming, simply because mental health professionals aren’t sensitive enough to understand that I am drinking alcohol not due to a mental illness, but because I am facing significant challenges. I may well be sectioned soon without any good reason, though I hope and pray that God will prevent this from happening. Ironically, probably the main reason why I am drinking is because the fear of a hospital admission is causing me so much stress – mental health wards in London are filled with abuse these days and they are not nice places in which to be forced to stay.
A recent development in the mental health system in London is that various rehabs have been opened, but judging by the experience of a friend who spent many months on one, these are not nice places to be. The staff are prone to bullying and you are afforded an opportunity to speak with a doctor only once each month, and that’s the only time when you can discuss discharge, changes to your leave allowance, and other important matters. I am pained and saddened by the thought of the suffering my friend had to endure in one of these rehabs, though her faith in God got her through it.
The sun is coming out as I type this and there is clear blue sky today. The weather has been dark and cloudy this week and to experience the warmth and light of the sun is a wonderful blessing. As ever, there is much to be thankful for.
Perfect Chaos 