Perfect Chaos

Dear all,

A few months ago, I asked the Lord to help me understand what exactly it is that people experience when they say they are hearing voices. This is because I felt I had never had this experience. I hear God talking to me on a daily basis, but this is an experience in my mind rather than an audible voice.

When I began working on writing and editing Reflections, I started to hear several audible voices loudly and persistently. I realised that one of the voices, a female voice inclined to say ‘no’ very often, had actually been doing so for several years. I had always thought, perhaps naively, that this was the voice of a neighbour, but as I started to hear multiple voices it became clear to me that the female voice, as well as the other voices, didn’t belong to human beings in my neighbourhood.

During the writing of Reflections, the female voice drew very close, and actually commented on nearly every thought and idea I had while writing the book. This was a very intense experience and made me extremely angry at times, as with every shout of the word ‘no’ came emotional hurt, rather like being punched in the gut. The voice would sometimes utter another word, a sexual expletive, when she apparently approved of something I was thinking or writing.

Of the other voices I began to hear, one was a manipulative female voice which would try to coerce me into making bad decisions, and another was a male voice who would utter angry insults at me repeatedly in a way that was really hostile and unkind. I was so distressed by all these voices that on a daily basis I prayed to God to make them stop.

I spent some time trying to understand whether these voices belong to entities of some kind. They are invisible, but I have wondered whether they are embodied in a spiritual dimension I cannot see. The Scriptures talk about believing in ‘the unseen’ and I don’t know whether these voices belong to entities in an unseen reality. The other thing that I have considered is whether they are merely voices, manifested by God, existing only as audible sounds and not belonging to any real creature.

God has not stopped the voices entirely, though they are speaking to me in a more distant way than when I was working on my book. I currently hear primarily a female voice who seems very upset and hateful towards me, as well as the angry male voice shouting insults.

It’s disturbing feeling as though your every thought is being perceived and the experience has caused me to become rather paranoid about my thoughts. I have had to try really hard to stay strong and not let the voices cause me too much upset or confusion.

My hope is that if the voices do belong to real entities that they are not suffering in any way. The thought has occurred to me that they could be spiritual entities which are forsaken by God and existing in a state of frustration, but I sincerely hope for their sakes that this isn’t the case.