Perfect Chaos

I don’t know what I’m going to write today, but I will honestly express whatever comes to mind.

It’s midday on Sunday as I type. I was up very early today and the Lord led me to pack my tiny bag and go out for a walk while it was still dark. It was raining lightly.

I went to the doorway by the 24-hour newsagent which has been my getaway place of late when things in my flat have been challenging. But someone had placed a large object right where I usually sit, which I took to mean “We don’t want you to sit here any more.” So I bought a beer and sat on one of three seats on a bench across the road. I listened to some uplifting music and enjoyed watching and feeling the rain for around an hour.

I popped into McDonald’s for a call of nature and then the Lord led me to a local Catholic church which I was delighted and surprised to find was open. I went in and knelt down and said some prayers and I felt the most wonderful feeling of the love of God in a way that felt very special. God gave me some reassurance about some things that had been troubling me and although I didn’t stay for long, I felt refreshed and happy when I left.

I have been drinking a huge amount of alcohol in recent weeks, largely due to loneliness. I don’t have any friends or family members who I trust enough to call for a chat or a meet up. After my suicide attempt I experienced hostility from pretty much everyone I was close to, so I withdrew from making contact with many of them, got a new phone number, and felt as though being alone was preferable to getting hurt repeatedly. I don’t really regret the decision, but I have been so, so lonely as a result. I can’t just go into a local pub for a quiet pint these days, or even attend a church service without experiencing hostility, so it’s very difficult for me to make new friends. And in my accommodation, my two neighbours both have severe mental health problems that cause them to act in unkind and bullying ways, so I find myself in a ‘catch 22’ situation – being at home feels depressing and going out feels intense and challenging.

I’m still hearing voices, particularly one lady’s voice these days who seems to be angry all the time. I have been praying for her, though I still don’t really understand whether the voices I hear belong to embodied beings. I asked the Lord this morning to bless me with friendly voices so will have to see what happens.

I find it depressing that police and ambulance sirens go off pretty much all day every day in the area where I live. It feels as though the drivers of these vehicles are just trying to intimidate people – either that or there are dozens of emergencies every day within a few miles of my home, which is also a really depressing thought.

I considered today what it would be like receiving a Christmas card from my father, with whom I haven’t been in contact for quite a few months, and the thought worried me and made me feel anxious. I imagined him saying something like ‘Don’t forget about your old dad, hey’? which would cause me to feel really conflicted. I never forget about him but I can’t be in contact with him because he bullies me.

I think I will end this little exposition of today’s thoughts here. Thank you very much for reading this article and may you be blessed today, knowing the goodness and love of God and true peace and happiness.