A mug and a notebook on a wooden table

Stream of Consciousness (31/05/2020)

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So, another stream of consciousness. Who knows whether or not I will publish this. I will be perfectly honest because I don’t have to publish it if there are things that are too private.

Wow, this week has been awesome. I have been changed for the better, I feel. Meeting Claudia has been a tremendous blessing, one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. It’s odd, I believe that all human beings deep down want to love everyone unconditionally, but I believe this good intention gets muddied by social conditioning and other types of conditioning like advertising.

It sometimes takes a conversation with someone who is grounded in a deep sense of honesty and love to break us out of our psychological prisons and return us to a place of living with honesty from the heart.

What Claudia has taught me is that it’s okay to tell people I love them, when what I feel towards them is love. I feel love towards so many people, and since meeting Claudia I have been able to share these feelings with people more confidently than ever before. And the great thing about it is that it makes them feel better, and it makes me feel better.

Perfect love casts out fear — I believe that’s a scripture from the Bible.

I’m thinking about publishing another book, a compilation of all my essays and articles since 2012 when I started Perfect Chaos. This will be a really big book, and I wouldn’t expect to sell many copies, but it would give me a physical record of everything important I’ve written so if the internet ever goes down, or I have to go offline for any reason, there will always be physical copies of my work to refer to. I also like the idea of having published a big fat 800 page book that will give me a sense of achievement for all the hard work I’ve put in over the years. I’ve already designed a cover for this book which I absolutely love. I put out a call for someone to format the book on Fiverr and UpWork and I met a lovely Indian girl who is very kind and articulate and interested in formatting the book for me, and within my small budget. I’m so grateful for her, she is a superstar. I hope this project goes ahead.

I have been drinking so much spicy chai today, as usual. And eating too many biscuits. I don’t feel too healthy at the moment but love is keeping me sane and positive. I had some quality prayer time today, and I’ve been praying every day, and in general I feel very happy at the moment.

I haven’t been staying up to date with the news because the lockdown and the coronavirus stuff is too depressing. I don’t really see the point in logging on to BBC News every day when every time I do I just feel awful. I wish it were possible to stay on top of events without having to check the news. I did pray about this and God said it’s okay not to check the news.

These are the main thoughts on my mind right now. I’m going to bed soon, I think. It’s been sunny for the last few days which has been nice but I’ve hardly gone outside. I feel so blessed to live in a spacious flat where I don’t feel claustrophobic and I have Internet access and can keep in touch with people on my phone.

I am incredibly sad and fearful for the world, though. That hasn’t changed. I have been praying for world leaders and that God will raise up leaders who are compassionate and loving and who honour God. Either that or that He will give our current world leaders a change of heart so they act out of love and not fear. There are so many broken people in the world, and I’m scared that many of the people in power don’t realise the harm they are causing. The thing is, I know God is in control. That’s the only reason why I can remain happy in these times. God is working out a plan for creation, and I believe that God is a God of love and peace, and so I don’t have to ever despair too much.

The above stream of consciousness is unedited (although I did give it a quick read through before publishing and changed a couple of glaring typos) so there may well be mistakes. My intention with these posts is just to do a kind of mind dump, just as one would do in a diary. I hope that by being honest and vulnerable in this way I will encourage others to do the same. Thank you for reading!