I grew up in the historic town of Abingdon in Oxfordshire in the south east of England. I enjoyed the privileges of a middle-class upbringing, attending decent schools and having my practical needs met, but at the same time intense relationship problems between my mother and father affected me deeply.
My mother was an atheist and my father a Christian. My father took my sister and I to church some Sundays and I used to sing in a church choir, but church was always something that I considered boring and irrelevant; I had no real sense of the gospel at the heart of the Christian faith.
As a teenager I was an atheist like my mother and I was very dismissive of the idea of God, believing religion to be fantasy and seeing believers as naive. I would even say that the idea of God angered me.
I became heavily involved in music which provided a focus during my early teens. I felt a great deal of anger towards my father over the way he behaved towards my mother, my sister, and I, but found an outlet for difficult emotions in alternative music artists like Marilyn Manson and Rage Against the Machine. Letting off steam in the mosh pit at a rock concert was liberating, and attending music festivals was a highlight of my teenage years.
A turning point in my life came when my mother was unexpectedly diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer in her early fifties. I was 17 at the time. Watching my mother suffer through a gruelling treatment regime was hugely upsetting. Her marriage with my father was already strained, but the cancer diagnosis seemed to increase hostilities and my parents eventually separated with my mother moving back to her native country of The Netherlands as a way of escaping the hurtful relationship.
My mother was desperate to recover and embarked upon a spiritual journey of sorts as she sought to find alternative therapies with a view to becoming well again. She became very interested in New Age spirituality, and started following teachers such as Deepak Chopra, Brandon Bays, and Eckhart Tolle. I found a great deal of inspiration in these teachers and for the first time in my life developed a yearning for truth, becoming obsessed with the idea that I could attain enlightenment or self-realisation.
After a long and gruelling illness my mother finally passed away in 2003 and watching her die after being so determined to recover was deeply saddening. The full impact of my mother’s death didn’t hit me right away, but it was a catalyst for me spiritually – I found myself asking big questions about the meaning of life and I wanted to understand the reasons why my mother had to suffer so terribly.
My mother’s illness had coincided with my time at university, which meant a lot of journeying back and forth between England and The Netherlands. Although I was studying Commercial Music, my deep passion for spirituality had been ignited and I used to spend hours meditating or lying in the bath listening to tapes by the comparative religion philosopher Alan Watts. Another teacher who a friend introduced me to at the time was Ramana Maharshi, an Indian guru who taught a method of spiritual investigation called self-enquiry.
Following my mother’s death in 2003, my spiritual search became really chaotic. I went on various meditation retreats and became involved in a kind of cult led by an Indian teacher named Ratu Bagus, who taught a practice known as ‘shaking meditation’. I experienced turbulent mental health during this time and was full of confusion, depression, and hopelessness. My sister and others were becoming worried about me, and with good reason; I was really struggling.
Around this time I entered into my first serious relationship with a girl who I had met at university and upon graduation began my career with a fairly prestigious and well paid job in the heart of the music industry. There were some good times, but I was also very lost spiritually and my obsession with enlightenment eventually led me to attend psychotherapy for the first time.
To say psychotherapy was eye-opening would be an understatement. It was as though I had for many years been seeking a guru or master who could understand me and help me, and finally, in my psychotherapist, I had found that person.
A tremendous amount of healing took place in my psychotherapy sessions which I attended on and off for several years. I was able to process a range of difficult emotions and eventually come to terms with my mother’s death and deal with a lot of the pain that I had bottled up during my childhood when my mother and father were fighting.
Despite my psychotherapy sessions being incredibly helpful and an important milestone in my spiritual journey, my search for enlightenment was not over. In fact, it was only just beginning.
For the full story, I warmly invite you to read my book entitled The Philosophy of a Mad Man, which is part spiritual memoir and part philosophical exposition. To see a list of retailers who stock the book, click here.
Perfect Chaos 
23 responses to “My Testimony”
Your testimony is a deep, important, special story. Wow. I’m Speechless.
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Hello, John 🙂
Bless you, and thank you for reading! I’d like to hear your testimony too sometime 🙂
Peace and blessings,
Steven
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Wow, you’ve had such a rough time, Steven, yet you haven’t let this destroy you and now you’re an incredibly beautiful and thoughtful human being. You’re very brave to have opened your soul to the world of the internet and share what you’ve been through, incredibly inspiring. God bless!
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You’re very kind, David, thank you so much. I cringe a bit when I see people have been reading some of my old mental health posts as they were a bit crazy at times! But I’m glad you see the positives 🙂 Peace and blessings to you!
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Bless you my friend, thanks again for your kindness 🙂 I guess it’s all part of the journey! I worry that people will get confused about whether I’m a Christian or not, which I suppose is okay, because it’s an ongoing dilemma for me and my blog is only reflecting the reality. I tried to make it clear in my ‘About’ section that there are two sometimes conflicting perspectives expressed on this blog, so hopefully people will read that and understand 🙂
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I wouldn’t worry too much about that! When I first looked into your blog, I new pretty shortly you were a Christian, but just one who was a little bit different (in a good way of course) and who was open to different perspectives and sometimes unorthodox positions. It’s something that I find truly makes your blog stand out among other Christian blogs.
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Oh, that’s good! Thanks David 🙂
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Your testimony is proof of God’s pursuit of us, regardless of our own desires, our place in life or our belief in Him. Thank you for sharing this powerful message.
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Hi Tim! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post. I believe God is always working to unfold our life stories with great care and detail. Life is a crazy journey, but He is in control. May God bless you always.
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Hi Steven – thanks for sharing your story and for following my blog. Sounds as if you spend as much time pondering spirituality as I do! Do you know Richard Rohr’s writing?
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Hi, Melanie! Hmmm, Richard Rohr… I’m not sure, the name is familiar. I just googled his name. Seems like an interesting chap!
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You might really like him. I recommend his book Everything Belongs. Spiritual food for the mind and heart!
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Thank you for the recommendation 🙂 I’ll check it out!
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Hi Steven,
Thank you for sharing your story, for being so open and honest with yourself and with us. My heart breaks for you because of the turbulent times you faced and for losing your mother at such a young age. Nonetheless, my heart rejoices with you that you have found your way home to Christ. I wonder about your relationship with your father, though. Was it restored? How did that change your relationship with your sister? I guess I’ll have to buy the book to find out those answers, huh?
Anyway, I appreciate you taking the time to stop by my blog. I’m glad you enjoyed “Hanging in the Balance” and “There, but for the Grace of God, Go I.” I appreciate you following me; I will definitely return the favor. Blessings to you, brother in Christ. Keep writing and spreading the hope of the Messiah.:)
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Hi Rulonda!
I was very impressed with your writing, so following your blog was a no-brainer!
Thank you for your kind words. It’s all rather complicated (in terms of my family) but I’m much more at peace these days!
Just so you know, my relationship with Christianity is not straightforward. I have spent a lot of time asking and exploring questions about theology and the Christian faith, and there are some things about the Christian worldview that I struggle to accept and believe. If you decide to read some of my posts, you’ll get some relevant insights.
Thanks very much for visiting and leaving a thoughtful comment!
Peace and blessings,
Steven
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You left me in suspense .. I will have to order your book 🙂
Have you ever done a you tube video of your testimony? they have been known to lead people to faith in Jesus.. But they also attract comment trolls who are hurting, so they hurt in return..
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Hi Mary!
I have done a YouTube video of my testimony, a little while ago. However, quite a lot has changed since I made the video (such is the nature of testimonies!). Thanks so much for reading my post 🙂
Blessings,
Steven
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I smiled after reading your story. I can relate.
Thanks for being strong.
God is faithful.
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Thank you for reading my testimony, Faith! Have you written a testimony post? If so, send me the link as I’d be interested to read 🙂
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I thought about writing one shortly after I read yours. I’ll send the link as soon as I write mine.☺
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Awesome! Will look forward to reading your story 🙂
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What I have read on your blog so far is very interesting! I love gaining new spiritual insight as I read from others experiences. The journey of life is different for all of us, yet we are so often seeking the same things from it. I would second the other person who recommended Richard Rohr. He has a very refreshing and fascinating way to look at things from what I know of him. I am looking forward to reading more of your posts!
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Hi Yellow Poppies!
It’s good to meet you and I’m grateful for your visit and your comment (and for following back!). Perhaps I will explore Richard Rohr more in 2019. I have a long reading list to get through but I’ll keep an eye out. I appreciate the recommendation.
God bless and thanks again! Steven
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